I’M BACK!!! UPDATE!

Ok…….it has been like 2 months and a couple of weeks that I have not done no interactions. My only excuse is that my life has been up and then down and side to side. I will admit that I have been falling off of my weight lost journey.  Alil. The last post is…. I think the master cleanse. So I lasted on that for 4 days and I began to eat as a vegetarian that only eat fish (no other type of meat) but still have dairy products like cheese and milk. I don’t drink milk I drink soy. All of a sudden. I stop walking and it started to get cold. I just stop. 2 months later I lose and gain what I lost. Smh….. I’ve become emotional from whatever reason. I think it is my birth control (another blog for that). I won’t say that I’m at step one but I’m back at least a step or so. I won’t stop and I’m not going to quit. Also I have a lil job I’m doing. I’m a uber driver. I love it. I drive at nights when the kids are in the bed and my fiance is able to stay home and watch them. I like it give me interaction with different people.  I still go to therapy. There are some things I’ve accepted in life and that is people are going to be who there are. You can not take the time to change them, if they don’t want to change for themselves. You have a choice to love them or just leave them alone. Another thing is just to live your Life! No one in this world can live it but you. There are things I like to do but I’ve stop not wanting to do it because my other half don’t want to do it or dislike it. It made me feel a certain type of way and it felt like it was weight on my shoulders and I could not move but them on the other hand my anxiety would also take me down too. It kind of hit me after reading this article on dealing with depression and anxiety without meds. I was trying to figure out if I needed to use meds or not and in all reality. I don’t want the meds. So I’m just pretty much picking up myself again and kick it back into gear. A new gym is opening up very close to me which I’m so excited. Because Ima be there. I have 9 to 10 months till I’m 30. So I’m focus in goals. I also got a better phone so I’m able to blog while I’m on the move. So continue to support and love because I’m doing it

Master Cleanse (IT MUST BE DONE)

So as you read ive been doing very well with walking and eating right to lose my weight. A few days ago my love wanted to make so Philly cheese steaks sandwiches. I agreed to eat it. I ate it and the next morning i was in the mirror absolutely lost for words. my face has broke out in pimples and bumps. That morning after my personal melt down. i drop my son off to school. I went to the store and bought some maple sausage patties and some more breakfast food. I go back home and put my food into the fridge and i look in the mirror and i see a big pimple on my nose. Let me also mention that i also just caught a light cold over the weekend. I don’t know why this is happening but i sat down a realize that i need to cleanse my body from all the bad stuff that is in my system.

I’m willing to do a Master Cleanse. A master cleanse contain water, maple syrup grade A, lemons or the lemon juice and canyenne pepper <—- I don’t think i spelled that right. lol. I’m going to do this for 10 days and just want my system to be cleaned out. Some people do 20 days but im doing it 10 days and if I’m really good i might go 15 days but who knows. I’m starting tomorrow and i will keep you guys updated!

UPDATE ON MY WEIGHT LOSS JOURNEY!!!

HELLO!!!! I’m so sorry i have not been blogging. I have been trying to just stay focus on my walking. Now i must admit. I was unsuccessful with the challenges BUT it is OK. every week i do at least  4 days of walking with myself or with my kids in their double stroller. At first i was walking 3.5 to 4.0 miles. now i just do 4.0 miles nothing less. When i walk by myself i can walk under at least 65 mins. When i walk with the kids i push 80 mins. So since i got into the groove. Just letting you guys know i have not stop.

My food intake has been awsome. i found an app that help me so much. The app is called “My fitness pal” i love it!! The app has me eating under 1600 calories. I’ve been able to scan products that im going to eat and the app tells you if you are to a particual limit. For example i scan a of veggie chips. It will tell you that you need to stay under a certain amount. The app will give you kudos and email your trackings. I also use “Map my walk” putting these apps togather has help me in so many ways.  So i’ve been been able to be positive in my weightloss journey. I have’nt fell off people. KEEP THE FAITH!

P.S also the tae bo challege was a fail, it only last for 1 day. lol but the walking will continue.

stay at home black mom with no friends

I’ve been a stay at home mom for like two years now. I’m finally getting use to it. At the beginning when we moved here. My love told me to be a stay at home mom so i can go to school and get a degree. I’ve been to 3 different colleges and they one did not fit me or i could not find any one to watch my kids especially my oldest that has autism. So i have given in and completely stayed home. Im signing up for school (on-line) getting my BA in communication.

Also as a stay at home black mom….i have no friends….like none. I have my best friend but she live in another state and she is a working single mom of 2 boys. everybody i know works. As a black woman in this time of day, It is insane to be a stay at home mom and not be making any money and let your spouse or love make the money and take care of home. I wish i had more friends around to be more supportive. I have family that think i live far. they always asking me when am i coming to see them. no1 comes out to see me. When i do get to my hometown all i hear is that i live around where there is boats and clubs for people who has money. I’m not the only black person around this area. it is just rare. I’m trying to find moms around here that are like me and stay at home.

It just get depressing at times where every1 around you is moving. Sometimes i just want to sit and let the days go by but i have kids and so that’s why i kick it up into gear and get fit. I have to understand that the kids are in good hands because they are with mom and they have lots of fun even though i become poof out. lol

I REALLY DO ENJOY MY JOB AS A STAY AT HOME MOM

ANOTHER RUDE REALITY CHECK!! SURGERY DAY (TUBE GETTING TIED)

Well Today is the day I get my tubes tied. I was so nervous from last night to this morning. At the same time I’m hungry like no other. I had my Love ride with me to the hospital but I wanted him to get back he and get some sleep. He just got done with a 12 hour 3 shift. So as we drive I’m trying to stay as calm as possible to keep my mind focus on what is about to happen. We make it there. Change clothes in to hospital attire and my love leave and go home. Within 20 mins my OBGYN came in and explained everything to me. Next thing you know I’m getting ship off to the surgery room.  As we are going down the hall I feel like I love been hit with happy air not realizing the nurse had put medicine in
IV. We go into the surgery room and it’s so cold in this damn room. I know a germ was not I’m this room. They laid me down and strap me on to the bed. The put a oxygen mask on me and BAM! I was out like a light………
Next thing I know all I hear is it was unsuccessful. I’m slowly waking up and I’m thinking it is dream and trippin. Nope it was really unsuccessful. As I’m waking up from the legal high of medz my doctor cam over and said im so sorry we were not able to finish. Your stomach is to big. What?! wait….. your telling me my stomach is TOO big ? Well I said out loud thank you doctor but it is ok. We will figure out something different. Instantly I took it as a sign. That 1. God did not want me to get it done. And 2. I’m fat. They staff get my pain under controlled and I go back to the room I started. Wondering maybe because I am so fat. I called my Love to come pick me up. The nurse kindly gave a pill to control pain I was having. I called my uncle and called my bestie to tell them what happen and they agreed it was just not time. It could be a extra motivation to get my weight down. But when my Love came in he heard me on the phone and when I got off the phone he was like It’s not because your fat your abs muscles has been blown out out from pregnancy. Which was true. I has diastasis recti . And pretty much is when your and bs are busted and out of place. You have a belly am serious one. At least 80%of women get it after pregnancy. So he was like it is ok your going to have to retrain your abs again. Well the go another add to the goal list and weight loss journey.

CHALLENGES!!!!!! PLEASE JOIN!!!

I’ve never cared to do 30 days or 60 days challenges. So i sat here this weekend and it hit me. I made up my own challenges!!! I have two challenges that i will be doing. The first one is a 100 miles in 30 days challenges. You think its sounds like a lot but it is not everyday you can do 3.3 miles a day (I think it is the right calculations lol) My 2nd one is doing Tae Bo for 60 days. I like Tae Bo. It is easy and if o don’t have a lot of dvd’s on him you can go on YouTube and see full work outs. so that is my challenges. I start tomorrow with the both of them.  I got to start waking up early so i can get use to getting up and taking my son to pre-school again. I’m so nervous that I’m going to fail. But i heard if you are tired of starting over. Stop quitting. well i got to stop quitting and start do and living. Like i said both challenges start tomorrow and the 30 day challenge end in September 4 2015 and the 60 day challenge ends in October 2 2015. If you think this is something you can do. I say to do it whenever. Have some friends join you. i won’t have anybody but i have my Love support so I’m happy. If you have nothing to do why don’t you join me. Let’s lose weight together!!!! overcome challenges!!!!

therapist time!!! first appointment experience

Before i jumped in the shower watching my kids enjoy life. I was asking myself, “Do you need a therapist? are you that crazy?” well on the other hand i was answered (not out loud though) and i said hell if i don’t like it, i don’t have to back again. As i was driving to the see this magical person that can help me. I was getting nervous and begin to sweat in my hands. My anxiety was going hay-wire. Found the building and walk in. Now i imagine crazy looking people sitting in the lobby, shuffling back and forth or talking to themselves but i look like a regular doctor office. I filled out my paper work. still breathing hard. Sat there for about 10 mins and a lady comes to the door and calls my name. She was an african american. She took me to her room and thought she would have a couch where i lay and start to talk but it was an office with a comfortable couch and inspirational decor and books with her degrees hanging on the wall right above her desk. The therapist was very calm. She introduced herself to me and i gave her some insights on whats going on with me. Once i was able to tell her some things i was very comfortable. She ensured me she would be able to help me and do exercises for myself. when i got done telling her my history/life story she said well you been through a lot i see your OCD and Anxiety was on high. We were most def able to connect. She said she was glad i came in to see her and to make another appointment for a bi weekly (every 2 weeks) after the session i sat in my car and told myself it was not that bad. I felt a little lighter with my emotions. So lets see how this progress!!

Dr.Appt (OBGYN) Rude Reality Check

So yesterday i went in for my appointment to get checked out. Down there in the (va-j-j) LOL. i go into the office nervous as ever. I was like 20 mins late only because i thought it was at the doctor office near me but finding out i was needing to go to the further one. I get called in and the nurse says ok step on the scale for me…. i walked on the scale and it hit me like a ton of bricks. The scale should of said that i was FAT AS HELL. In numbers it said 278 lbs…. I’m ashamed of even typing that number. If you seen me in real life you may or may not see where the hell is the weight. But the number hurts really bad. i was numb the whole time i sitting there with the nurse. All i could think was
“i’m really fucking fat! I have no clue where? of why? my weight has jump up like that. I will admit i’m on the Depo shot.

As i sit in the room to see my OBGYN i am trying to put on a pitty party on for myself at the same damn time watching on YOUTUBE how people are going through their weight loss journey. This is so unfair i’m telling myself. Why am i so fat? yep this is all your fault. You are so damn greedy. I’ve been wanting to get my tube tied. I’m NOT trying to have anymore. So i was hard on it when i was pregnant because i was miserable as all hell. Love the blessing though!!! I did not go thru with it when i had just had my daughter. I was hungry and i did not prepare myself to starve for a whole day and night so i let it go. Now that I’m sitting here with my pitty party my doctor comes in. He greets me and happy to see me. I just flew out of my mouth i was my tubes tied and i gotta get my weight down.So he agreed and was like well sign this paper and you will be good. so in all I’m getting my surgery done next week to get my tubes tied. another blog for that. But this weight is outta hand and i need to get with it. This mean i need to get down to 200 lbs by Jan. I’ve just change my eating habit and now im drinking a gallon of water a day im so trying to flush toxins out of my body. so ive made a new Instagram working on this weight loss journey. I CAN NOT LOSE!! I’LL LOSE THE FAT THOUGH!!

F.E.A.R Don’t Let It Get To You

Sorry for taking so long to blog. I’ve been getting ready for our family trip to a really nice zoo. It is actually for my son birthday, he will be turning the BIG 4 this week. So my love put this trip together for him. I’m so excited but i know I’m going to be so tired because we gotta drive for like 4 hours and it is going to be like 3 o’clock in the morning. This going to be fun. I get to exercise my OCD and organization. lol but let’s get back to the main topic. I’ll be blogging about our trip in a few days. I will have pics too!

Ok, Fear. Growing up as a kid we had a lot of fears. examples: Dark, Heights, falling, doctors, shots, rides at the amusement part, ect. The list can go on. But as an adult you think nothing can stop you. You were able to overcome these simple things you were scared of when you were little. So what is stopping you?

For me F.E.A.R. has always had me but as an adult what the hell am i scared of? well, I can say for me F.E.A.R. of failing, people thinking of my ideas are stupid or just worrying about what others would say. I have had this problem for a long time. Now in this phase of my life i hafta overcome this F.E.A.R. all your fears that you have are not visible. It is not a gun or any type of weapon that is going to hurt you if you make a choice to do something for yourself or to better your life. F.E.A.R. is invisible. It is all in our heads. But how do we get this out of our head? I look at F.E.A.R like this…. Halloween time, you go into a haunted house. You know it is fake but you are scared shitless. yes i use the word “shitless”. lol only because im terrified of haunted houses. I was 27 going to my first haunted house even my love had his first time to but he did better than me. So it is all in your head overlook it. Tell yourself that this F.E.A.R. you are having is for the birds and do what you need to do. And I’m telling myself the same thing.

F.E.A.R is nothing but a fake haunted house, it is all in your head. I promised myself to forget that feeling of being scared all it does is keep me from my blessings. I just realize this is what keeping me from some of my goals i made in my blog in the past, so i can’t keep having this F.E.A.R.

Sandra Bland (black lives matter) my opinion

Before you think I’m going to be on BLACK POWER. Just here me out. I had no idea this was going on with this situation. I don’t like watching the news it is very depressing and sad on how the United States is doing things.
This is opinion on this case.

Watching the video, the cop had no right to get in her carry and attempt to pull her out. This cop had no right to put restrain on her like he did. There was absolutely no reason she needed to get out of the car on the behalf of a traffic stop. Now it seems that she had depression and ptsd. Some people feel that this is not valid but hear me out. You get put in a jail by yourself. You don’t know how long your going to be in there. Family trying to get money for you, so you can get out. It is dark, cold and as a person that has never been put in that type of situation. I believe that your mind can do all kinds of things. They have cameras towards her cell showing that no one came in or out and they found her dead. She could of killed herself or she didn’t kill herself. We will never know the true facts only because somebody is trying to cover their own ass. I will express that if that officer would of gave her,her ticket and let her just be mad and told her to have a nice day. She would be alive today.
As a black mother of two children. one boy with autism. My fear an anxiety is over and beyond. I will do everything in my power to let him know he need to obey rules but at the same time. You got to watch yourself. Our color is a target. At the same time. The white people see how we carry on and treat each other so they dog us.  I love white people and I always been a fan of police officers. I was never that kid that ran or just plain out disrespected the police because I’m black. No not at all. I want my kids to be mindful of what’s around them. Hopefully this country can get better by the time kids grow up. All I can do is pray for peace, unity and happiness.